im back

if theres anyone out there(im guessing not) i have returned for another review, if i may explain my absense i must say this: i dont like my blog. its mostly negative reveiws of movies you knew where going to suck in the first place. the reaso for this is because its so much easier to bash a movie than praise it and i refuse to waste time with plot synopsis'(we see a million trailers a day who cares). sadely this reveiw does not break the mold it is yet again a movie in the 2 star range you will eventually, the difference? the critics said it was good, i thought it would be good, and you probably did too, so without further ado i bring you my reveiw of


THE orphanage
2/5 stars
directed by guillmero del toro

downer
talk about dissapointment after seeing del toro swap styles flawlessly from fairtale(pan's labrynth) to big budget hollywood action(hellboy) to horror/coming of age story(devil's backbone, i believed he could do no wrong but whenever you believe that your in for a shocker of the worst kind and here you go. but before we deconstruct the orphanage lets look back at one of the earlier films: devil's backbone. devil's backbone was successful and so haunting because it does things completly opposite of most horror movies. it treates the story with importance, love and care, instead of relying on endless jump scares., and shies away from ghost designs and story elements, instead creating a truly otherworldly and odd creature. unfortunatly del toro is all to interested in jumping to reinvent the succeuss without remembering what was so important in the first place. here del toro is coasting relying obnoxiously on jump scares you can see coming for another country, girl going into dark closet with an open door, what will happen? i bet you know. the plot too is wholely predictable, the main character took 9 months to figure out the game she played with her son before disapearance had something to do with his disapearance it took me five seconds. and when its not slap in the face obvious its wholly unexplained and filled with plot holes, early on a girl is attackedby a ghost holding a key and later a trespasser appears with the same key , but the too are unconected, what? and the ending is before one of the most unesccasarily melodramatically depressing. the character is a loving caring woman and she does not deserve such pain and suffering that has is counter to everything the movie has tried to tell you. it if that werent bad enough del toro tries to reverse the fact with a series of out of place scenes set to made for tv movies sap factor that just seals the nail in the orphanages coffin. which is a shame because this didnt have to en id eulogy, there are ovious strokes of brilliant minimalizism, the sound of creaking and breaking, near the beginning are classic ghost movie scares, and the sudden appearance of the credits actually had me jumping, but unfortunatly we take today to bury the orphanage and hope we will not have to bury famed director del toro too.

short reveiws(long vacation, long plane ride, alone in hotel room)
Jumper .5/5 stars
boring, cliche, poorly acted, and has an ending so sick someone might wonder if it was black comedy. remember when hayden christenson said he was giving up acting forever, god if only.

the savages(unfinished, first impressions):
i only got about halfway through but if you like tearjerjers clumsily disguised as...something else heres a movie for you.

forgetting sarah marshal 4/5 stars:
sometimes in modern comedies it actually feels good to, you know, laugh. and boy will this make you laugh, the usual problems apatow has with editing and overlongness apply here but honestly i doubt you'll care.

baby mama 2.5/5 stars:
starts hilariously gets into 2 twists, one:instinatly predictable, two:wholly random and diversive, both unessasary and harmful to plot flow. look for thewho plays white trace girl and her husband(the only constant wave of comedy in the movie) who previously stared in idiocracy( i think).

nightmare man 3/5 stars: people who were teens in the 80's will no doubt feel like they are watching this movie in a grindhouse from their car, everyone else will just enjoy the self consiously campy fun(ignore the porno production values in scene 1, the cinematography improves).

the ruins 1/5 stars: the trailer lies, the movie is about evil killer plants, no seriously. feed me seymour. fuck this movie.

shutter .5/5 stars:the only complement i can give this movie? the ghost is hot. yeah thats right that ghost is hot.

frontiers 2.5/5 stars: a brilliant start and a group of well drawn characters, not bad for a horror movie. unfortunatly the movies delves into laughable neo nazi exploatation, character cliche's, lenght issues, and blatant texas chainsaw massacre plagarism. there is an amazingly thrilling conclusion though, finally revenge in the spirit of the 80's.

darjeeling limited 4.5/5 stars: a wandering bit of dramadey brought to by the master wes anderson,come expecting and your expectations will be exceeded.

futurama:the beast with a billion backs! 2.5/5 stars:instead of making a good case for the insane futuramadvds this proves an episode would be better, after 45 minutes of hitand miss mania it finally settles down and becomes good for, shocker, 30 minutes! unfortunatly it also commts a cardinal sin and leaves all the characters in no man's land destroying everything pre established,not good.

more latter....